Who Am I?

A female friend sent me an inbox message on Facebook asking, “Who are you, really?”
I was taken aback by that, as I’ve always thought I’m a pretty “open book”. So here goes after much thought and prayer. And sorry if the paragraphs jump around. I am not a great writer. After reading, if you want to un-friend me that’s okay, I’ll always love you anyway.
First, I’m a daughter & handmaid of God, an Orthodox Christian. You don’t have to accept it but you cannot change it. My faith is what has sustained me and brought me through the heart wrenching loss of my husband and brought me out of deep grief depression. Those of you who have lost a spouse can relate, those of you who haven’t can’t possibly understand. No it’s not the same as losing your parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles or even a child. Though those ‘are’ deep hurts they are different. When God said you would become ‘one’, He meant it. You lose a part of yourself and everything that was ‘normal’. You have to figure out ‘who’ you are now by yourself and what the new normal will be. And losing to The Big Ugly C is not something you forget. I also have dodged cancer twice now myself and I give thanks to God I’m still here for my children. Cervical and then melanoma on my face. Let me tell you the facial reconstruction was no walk in the park.
I’m a mother and grandmother. I take those two jobs very seriously and try to perform my duties with even measure of firm guidance and lots of loving laughter. My children and grandchildren are my heart and my first priority in life. Nothing and no one are more important to me, not even myself.
I’m a woman but have a child’s heart at times. I’m an adult but in some things I refuse to grow up or old. I used to be shy before the summer of 9th grade. That’s when I figured out we’re all basically the same. We all want to love and be loved for who we are. So I made myself stick out my hand and say, “Hi, my name is Nila, what’s your name.” Works more times than not.
I don't lie, cheat or steal and abhor those who do! And if I catch you doing it, I will call you on it. I might twist the truth if you are on a "need to know basis" and don't need to know.
I’ve experienced some things that most would be shocked by but I’ve learned valuable lessons and to be a better person for having known them.
I grew up without much money but with the best loving parents anyone could ask for. They taught me to appreciate the finer things in life as the blessings they are and not to take them for granted. I’m not poor but rich in the amount of loving family and friends I have. I don’t take them for granted either. I'm very loyal and you can trust me with your secrets as they will be locked in my heart only to be discussed with you if you need to vent.
I’m short but feisty and with a temper to match. But there are only four things that will get me to climb you like a tree and tear you limb to limb. Be abusive to old people, children, the handicap or animals. You’ll wish you picked on a rattlesnake instead because this cat bites for those that can’t defend themselves.
I don’t do cranky-negative people for any length of time. Only you can change your attitude and I don’t have to be around you or live with you…you do.
I know God gives us everything we “need”, but we have to be willing to use the tools He gave us & not to expect something for nothing. I’ve worked hard since the age of 14 and I expect others to work just as hard. I don’t mind hard work, sweat & dirt under my nails or on my face. As long as I can see progress I’ll keep on working until it’s done.
I’m loud of voice and louder with laughter. I look to find joy instead of tears in every situation if possible. Yes, I’m aware I’m also strong willed and with a strong personality that’s hard for some to take. But I’m also soft of heart and can be hurt & made to cry. I just don’t let many see me do it.
I was born in the city and still live there but am a simple country girl at heart. That’s why when I’m out in God’s creation I feel soothed as nothing else can make me feel.
I’m eclectic to the extreme. Don’t try to second guess me, you’ll just become more confused. Ask me anything, I’ll usually answer truthfully “if” I think you need to know. If I’m told I can’t do something, I will find a way to show you I can.
In music, I love every genre from country to classical and everything in between. With the exception of rap and death metal. Country music is my first love and yes, I own two pairs of cowgirl boots!
I’m a Chameleon. I can adapt and fit in anywhere and to any occasion. High class affair; I can conduct myself with poise and dress to the nines as classy as Grace Kelly. Normal (no such thing as low class) affair; I have a closet full of blue jeans, tennis shoes/flips and t-shirts. I’m good with casual. Pure Country; I love sappy songs, to two step, to dig in the dirt and mud to plant a garden. That’s what soap and water are for and I know how to use them. I’m a woman after-all (see above paragraph-LOL)
I try to give more than I take and I demand respect as I give it to everyone that deserves it. If I can make one person smile, touch a soul with laughter, I’ve done my job well for the day. I even embarrass my daughters by making happy conversation with total strangers. I might be the only bright spot of their day. I try to give encouragement to those who have challenges that I can’t help with. I’ve been known to give my back and arms to help when someone needs it and I have given clothes, food and shelter. Not for anything in return but because God said we should. That’s good enough for me.
I’m not a great housekeeper, but neither does the house “keep” me. There are more important things that need my attention. It’s not dirty just cluttered most of the time since I’m never home for long periods. I’m heavy but healthy. And that’s all that needs to be said on that subject. I drink, but not to excess. Hangovers are not my idea of a good time. I smoke, not proud of it, it’s an addiction that one day I will beat the devil over. I cuss when I get really mad and then feel super bad afterwards. Not because I cussed, for they are just words. But because of the harm it does to those I directed it to as they can be like daggers that cut deep. Don’t judge me for that’s God’s job.
I go to church most every Sunday and I also go to bars with friends to hang out or hear a band play. Both sides of a coin and as I said, ECLECTIC to the EXTREME.
So, there you have it. This is who I am. You either like (love) me or you don’t. And if you don’t, that’s okay too. God made this world big enough for both of us. Just don’t share my space.
With love & laughter, Nila